Deadlines, Dorm Rooms, and the Last Day

Wow! I’m officially a Harvard graduate and a Naval officer, and it’s time for my very last post on this blog. To keep up with me in future, be sure to keep track of my new blog – I'd really appreciate it if you subscribe for notifications using the form on the site, and if you do, you'll also get a free ebook – and follow me on my Facebook page Lauren Mandaville – Blogger. I’m out of my dorm and in the real world now; here are some thoughts on Commencement Week, as well as my final and broadest appraisal of all the deadlines and dorm rooms of my college career.

I was at home, as you know, for finals period and senior week, so I just got back to campus on Monday in time for commissioning on Wednesday and graduation on Thursday. The other day someone told me college graduation was the last time you got to step back and be really done with something before starting the next thing – I guess I missed that opportunity. It was a lot to process all at one time, especially with so many things to try and get done in the meantime. It’s going to take me a while to figure out how I feel about all this, but I thought I should go ahead and let you know how things went.

It was a very meaningful (read: emotional) week, and also a very stressful and exhausting one, which exacerbated everything. My parents, aunt, and cousin came up to town for the graduation and commissioning. The morning of commissioning, we all sat down and met the AF general who was speaking, and even President Faust came in to wish us well (as sad as it is that only six people in our class are going into the military, and not the dozens of decades past, it does mean you get to meet more VIPs personally). Commissioning itself took place on a cloudy morning; I swore my oath, and my parents came up and put my Ensign shoulder-boards on. I received my first salute.

Afterwards, the reporter asked me how I felt, and I made something up and must have sounded rather strange, because I wasn’t actually feeling anything; I was too concerned with all the little things I had to remember, or had just forgotten or gotten wrong, and what I was doing next. It was the same way with graduation; between standing and sitting hours in the rain, and my never-ending internal philosophical debate over whether or not I agreed with the speakers (which will be the next post on my new blog), and the people chattering nonstop next to me, and my wet and bedraggled state in all my pictures with my diploma, my ‘moment’ just kept getting interrupted. I was afraid if I did start to feel, all it would be was frustration and stress. And to be honest, that’s what most of the week was: general stress bookended with uncontrollable crying when I arrived back in my room on Monday and when I walked into it for the last time on Friday. (Which should be taken with a grain of salt; I’ve already explained how I act when I’m very tired.)

But in the middle there, I did finally feel it, on the night between commissioning and graduation. I looked at my picture in uniform with my parents, and I suddenly realized that naval officer was me; I’ve come out on the other side. I used to think people magically became adults around the age of 21, and of course it’s much more long and painful than that, but that was a moment when I suddenly looked back and realized I was an adult. And I thought about how scared I’d been to come to college, and how simple everything back then was in retrospect.

And then there was something I suppose one could call epiphany. It was like memory, only looking forward. For a moment I could see, as clear as day, all the transition and confusion I was about to go through, as if I were looking back on it, and seeing that it was all really little things, after all. I have given up being a student, and I have gained a new identity as a Naval Officer, but in a way, those, too, are little things. There is something besides those, something deeper and more constant; there is my heart.

There is something that drives me, through all the transitions and changes and goodbyes and stress and tears and exhaustion, something that I love more than I hate all the rest. It isn’t fear; it isn’t a feeling of inadequacy. I don’t think it’s a feeling at all. It is, rather, a sort of need; as badly as my body needs water, my spirit needs purpose, needs to be always climbing, moving onward and upward, or I would tear myself apart.

Harvard has done a great deal for me; I have summed it up in my last few posts. But more than anything else, it is where I found my calling. I found out what it was that I needed so very badly. There are some yearnings that can only be satisfied in heaven, a great weariness that can’t find rest on this earth, where everything is always in flux. But this purpose, this great desire of my heart, is satisfied when I in the here and now pour myself into the purpose for which I was born. For the past four years, I have been solidifying my identity, reexamining and deepening my belief system, and finding where I stand. And now it is time to go out, to become a speaker of speeches and a doer of deeds, as Plutarch put it. The time for pondering is over; the time for action has come.*

And the action has already begun – again, check out my blog for more; I don’t mean to keep repeating myself, but this is my heart, so everything does lead back to it. I am beginning what I hope will be something beautiful, something that will last even while everything else changes. The night of commissioning, I googled ‘verses for sailors’ for my Bible study. Most of the lists were pretty lousy – “woe to ye, tarshish – your sailors will perish in the waves” – but Psalm 107 says God “will guide [us] to [our] desired haven,” which reminded me of another story about crossing the water – “let us go across to the other side.”

I can’t see my way across the water, but I’ve seen the view from the other side, and I’m headed over. (Drop by my new blog to check on my progress.) Home is behind, the world ahead, and I’m off on the adventure which Aslan will send me. Wish me luck, and best wishes!

Ensign Lauren Mandaville, Harvard ‘17

*To hear more, if you haven’t already, look at my new blog (click here), and also this explanatory post on this blog (click here).

Pictures: I'll upload my parents' pictures from graduation on facebook; they're too big of files to be uploaded here. Here are some behind-the-scenes from graduation morning, though:

There was a champagne breakfast with all the best parts of breakfast food at Pfoho:

 And then a procession to the yard (it's a 15-20 minute walk, remember) with bagpipes:

 And policemen to block the roads for us:

 Going into the chapel service:

 After chapel, waiting for the procession of the faculty, VIPs, etc.:

 My dorm room, all emptied out:

 My new quarters for the next couple weeks - I'm staying at a house owned by a church and run by Cru staff. (Only the pile of stuff on the floor is mine.)

But the house is just down the street, so I still walk down the same roads:

 Headed to the same church:

I've enjoyed sharing my life with all of you - a fond farewell, until we meet again!

Matriculation Maturity

Okay, I think we can all agree that I should give up posting these on time, especially since there’s only one left after this anyway. I’ll post my final blog for this site (my other blog is here) sometime next week, as opposed to later this week. But hey, the second-to-last post is finally up!

First, a brief overview of the past week. I just got back to Harvard earlier today and picked up my cap and gown for graduation on Thursday, as well as putting my uniform together for commissioning (I’ve never worn dress whites before). Up until today, the week was pretty calm; I visited a few friends, went to Seguin High School Junior ROTC’s end-of-year program, and sang a solo on Sunday morning. It was very strange saying goodbye to my parents at the airport and then saying “see you tomorrow” when they come up for the graduation/commissioning.

Honestly, though, today was exhausting, emotionally and physically (mentally, I’m pretty rested). I didn’t get much sleep, my flight was delayed, and I’ve been running all day trying to make sure things are ready for commissioning and graduation, including some things that I didn’t find out about until today. I’ve had no time to enjoy being a graduate; I’m too busy worrying about getting everything ready for graduation and beyond. And of course I’m nervous about what’s next; I don’t like transitions. But the transition to college looks tame in retrospect, and I suspect this one will, too, eventually. As long as I keep moving on to bigger and better things, each transition will always be more challenging than the last, but that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

In any case, it’s time for an overview of the past four years, in terms of personal growth this time instead of accomplishments. I started out freshman year still part adolescent, nervous about living on my own and very homesick, knowing no one, with next-to-no social life and very strict study habits. I didn’t always feel it at the time, but I have grown tremendously since then, and the development has definitely been back-loaded; I grew more and more as I went on.

Freshman year and the first half of sophomore year are all kind of one period in my mind, a cold, gray period where I never got enough sleep and, in my mind, it’s always winter. I started freshman year with a cappella practice until midnight and ROTC at five-thirty the next morning multiple times a week, as well as a 9 am calculus class where I was almost always half-asleep. I made a few casual friends, but most of my time was spent studying. I did alright; I adjusted. I wasn’t depressed. But it was a rather bleak time. My study abroad in Jordan was similar; I didn’t make any close friends, I spent a ton of time studying, and I didn’t know how to do much else on my own (especially without speaking the language).

Sophomore spring, everything changed. I spent the semester studying abroad in Israel; I remember crying the first night because I was just so exhausted (I did that in Jordan, too – and today, actually. I cry a lot when I’m tired; it helps.) Anyway, Israel was amazing, mainly because of two very good friends I made while there. They taught me how to have a social life, how to go out and have fun outside of class, and how to generally slow down and enjoy life. Combined with tons of holidays and easier classes, and that was probably the best semester of my college career, followed by unquestionably the best summer of college spent studying philosophy in Cambridge and touring Europe. I came back a changed person.

Junior year, then, I finally found my balance. Not only did I learn how to slow down, get enough sleep, and make friends; I learned how to build relationships. Social skills have never been my forte, especially with my own age group, but I learned the value of caring about other people’s feelings, going out of one’s way to help others, and generally trying to present a more professional and mature image instead of just doing what I felt like. I was never consciously mean to other people, but I gained a lot of maturity with the idea of taking an active interest in the people around me and acting in a mature way, not according to how I felt at the moment. Junior year was also the time I started consciously thinking about maturing and seeking to develop my character and skill set. The summer after that year was also good; I finally got to spend some time at home.

Senior year has been interesting; all those experiences have come together and crystallized until I’m more stable in this newfound maturity and independence. Which is not to say that I act mature all the time, or that I’m still not pretty nervous about some unknows in the future, but I’m much better and being uncomfortable and handling unknowns in general. This year, I added physical development to the emotional and spiritual development already taking place, and managed to get in the best shape of my life. It’s been a rocky year emotionally, but I’ve come out stronger for it and ready to face the future.

And here I stand on the other side of all that, a (relatively) confident and mature young woman, ready to face the world. I don’t have it all figured out, but at least I’ve figured out enough to know that no one else does, either. I’ve learned to take charge of situations and cope with hard times; I’ve learned how to care about other people and take care of myself. I’ve figured out who I am and where I’m going – but for that recap, you’ll have to wait until next week’s grand finale.

PS - I wrote this last night; I feel much better now. It's amazing - you'd think I'd get terribly upset over giant existential problems and world tragedy, but the majority of the time it's mostly about sleep. And food.

Pictures (I promise there will be many more when I actually graduate and commission!)

Selfie with my parents and I:

 A last picture of the dog (and the other dog's ear):

 I'm back!

 Graduation gown (not worn yet):

 Commissioning uniform (not worn yet):

Headgear for both of those, Ensign (O-1) shoulderboards, and a whole lot of water I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with:

 Haven't had time to do any packing, so my room is still here:

My parents will be here tonight; it's almost time! Stay tuned!

Taking Stock

I’m afraid I’m becoming hopelessly delinquent in these posts – another sign that it’s about time to move on to my next blog, I suppose (that’s your cue to check out my website for the week). There are still quite a few things happening in my life – I had my graduation party this past Saturday, for one, and of course graduation itself is coming up. More than that, though, this is a time of reflection on the past before stepping into the future. With that in mind, I’m going to give an overview of the week’s events, and then I will offer some thoughts on what I’ve learned and skills I’ve gained since coming to college. Next week I’ll look at how I’ve grown socially and emotionally, and for my last post, I’ll be looking at where my life is going long-term and how college helped me figure that out.

But first, this week’s events! Last Sunday, to start off, we had our church picnic; the food was delicious and the company was good. I also went over to a friend’s for dinner, and we had a good talk and watched a lot of YouTube videos. Of course, this past Sunday was Mother’s Day, so over the course of the week we drove to Austin to see my paternal grandmother and take her out to eat, and then on Sunday we saw my maternal grandmother and took her out to eat (this week was not the best as far as diet goes – our family has newly resolved to be good starting today!).

And of course there was my graduation party this past Saturday, where the food was, again, excellent, and everyone was sweet enough to wish me well and give me cards and cash (which will greatly defray the cost of furnishing my apartment). I’ll see my parents again before long, but I don’t know when I’ll be back in Texas again to see everyone, so after four years of coming back every few months to see everyone, it feels like I’m finally off for good. And I suppose I am.

So, what have I gained over the past four years? I never feel particularly old when I’m supposed to – during birthdays or graduations or the like – and my mother assures me that doesn’t change when you get older. Still, I can tell I’ve grown by looking back at the tearful little freshman that left home four years ago for parts unknown, and how unlike that I am now.

Not that I don’t still get tearful at times, but I know I’m ready; I can see the steps ahead of me, and I know I’ll be able to take them. I’m not entirely sure what will happen in the future, but I know what resources I will draw on to deal with it, whatever happens. I can step into new places and meet new people without stressing about it too much, and I know I can learn new things and take on new projects, and do well at them. I know I can manage my time and my affairs decently on my own (not that I don’t still call my parents for advice pretty regularly). In short, I have gained a great deal of independence and self-confidence, simply by going to new places and doing new things.

What places and things have those been? Even I forget sometimes. I’ve studied in Jordan, Jerusalem, and England for extended periods of time; I’ve been to Spain, Germany, Ireland, France, Taiwan, and Nicaragua. And in many of those places, I managed to find transportation and hotels and see the sites without much English. I’ve gone to sea on an aircraft carrier and flown so many places I probably have the safety instructions memorized.

And what have I gotten done? Well, I’m about to graduate from Harvard with a dual degree; I’ve taken courses at MIT; I’ve written a thesis; I’m working towards a Master’s degree in Spanish. I’ve taken classes in everything from Physics to the Roman Empire, and things I’d never heard of as a freshman, I now consider common knowledge in my fields. I know how to shoot a gun; I know how to bench-press; I know the basics of kickboxing. I know how to drive in the city and in the snow. I’ve dealt with leading people and especially with leading people in a military context; I know my limits and how I cope with stress and pressure. I’ve sung a cappella; I’ve marched a platoon. I read or speak, to varying extents, six languages, and I’m an expert at taxis and public transportation. I’m in the best shape of my life physically, and probably mentally and emotionally as well.

If I sound like I’m bragging, I’m sorry; you can just ignore me. This list is for me as much as for anyone else. I had four years – four years to take advantage of all the opportunities Harvard offered, four years to develop into an adult while enjoying the freedom that comes with not having a job or a career to narrow my horizons, four years to develop, as ROTC puts it, morally, mentally, and physically, into the young adult I wanted to be. And as I wrap up those four years, I’d like to be able to assure myself that I have taken full advantage of my opportunities and my potential, and that I’ve fully prepared myself to step into the adventure of tomorrow.

Pictures: not as many this week; I wasn't thinking about it. Buuut, I do have a picture of Teek in the bathtub:

 And looking wistfully back at the dog park:

 My graduation party! Isn't the cake gorgeous!

 My parents and I:

 The organizers (thanks again!) and I:

 They printed out 'congratulations,' 'best wishes,' etc. in different languages for the tables:

 Me giving a short speech:

Just a couple more weeks to go and I'll be a Harvard alumna!

Denouement

Well, I’ve had a quiet week at home, for the most part. I went to church on Sunday, but since then, most of my time has been spent on my laptop in the living room, either reading articles and commenting, or writing out thoughts, or working on the few assignments I still have left for Harvard. I had an essay due on Wednesday which I spent most of Monday and Tuesday writing and revising; I think it turned out well, but my grade will have the final word. I finished my second Southwestern Seminary class with an A, but I still have to finish my take-home final for Harvard before I’m completely done.

What else have I been up to? I went shooting at the gun range yesterday, and I did better than I was expecting, which was pleasant. One of the men shooting came over to ask if I was police and tell me I shot well, so I couldn’t have been doing too badly. I don’t know what most people do with a free Saturday, but I drink a lot of tea and watch Iron Man with the dogs (they weren’t too impressed).

I’m having trouble typing at the moment because of the wrap around my wrist – I did something strange to it, not while lifting or kickboxing, but while attempting to walk the dogs. My parents were gone for a couple of days, so I ended up house-sitting and dog-sitting both their dog and my grandparents’ dog, who is staying with us for a while. Teek and I get along wonderfully: we play fetch and tag, and when he hears me wake up at 5:45 am he waits outside my door, unable to contain his excitement at the prospect of a run (he has to wait until I get back from the gym, though). Sweetie, on the other hand, surveys me coldly when I have the cheek to wake her up that early, and half the time has to be picked up and carried to wherever she needs to be (she’s a chihuahua, so the carrying isn’t that much trouble; it's trying to catch her that’s the problem). Still, we all get along alright.

I do head out to AnytimeFitness every morning to work out. They have 24-hour access (one would hope so, with ‘anytime’ in the title) and very nice equipment, and besides, I paid for a month’s access, and I want my cost-per-unit to go down. They have racks, a punching bag, and lots of machines to play with, but my favorite part is the fact that there’s next to no one there when I go in the mornings; the few of us that do show up have the place to ourselves. I’m not really on a workout program at the moment; I just come and try to sweat and groan for a little while, so I don’t feel like a cop-out the rest of the day.

I love working out, and the gym is great, but I still struggle to get up nearly every morning; if I hadn’t had to pay to have access to the gym, I’m not sure I would have the motivation to pull myself out of bed and across town to go lift weights. Every morning there is a piece of me that doesn’t want to go, that advocates for staying in bed and relaxing. But I’ve learned to listen to the other piece of me, the piece that knows I’ll be happy as soon as I’ve made up my mind to go, and I’ll be unhappy as soon as I choose to stay in bed. It’s very strange – the ‘treat yourself’ option would actually gain me nothing but frustration, and yet it’s still there every morning, acting as if it has something to offer.

That’s the way a lot of my life is, I suppose. I’m always going uphill, always trying to be challenged, always having to put in effort, not out of pure exploration and enjoyment (although those are definitely there, too), but because if I haven’t challenged myself, I’m unhappy, even if I’ve still done a perfectly good job. I’m only happy when I’ve made myself uncomfortable and overcome that, even though I all the time want to come back to my lowest-energy state. I’ll let you know if I ever figure out how all that works.

And of course, there’s the fact that I come out on the other side stronger – in the case of workouts, of course, physically stronger, but looking back on the last few years, stronger in many different ways. I have three more blogs after this, and then this blog will be over – if you want to keep up with me, you’ll have to check out my website or Facebook page *cough* if you haven’t yet this week… *cough*. I’ll probably spend the next few weeks considering how I’ve changed, but now that I’m on the other side, I’m glad I was driven to get up all those mornings, and to go off to college in parts unknown.

Pictures: So most of these are going to be of the dogs...

Well, and trees and sunlight. I really like trees and sunlight.

 Also trees and church steeples:

 He gets lonely in the backseat. Or he just wants to get away from the Chihuahua.

 At the gym all by my not-lonesome!

Not exactly Fresh Pond, but he hasn't died from drinking it, so I guess it's okay. After a couple of miles, he's about ready to drink anything.

An accurate account of walking the dogs: Teek is terribly interested in something off to the side (in this case a cat) and Sweetie is refusing to move (and when I tell her to 'come on,' Teek takes it to mean that he's not going fast enough). Teek generally wants to head directly to the right, Sweetie to the left, as far as they can go, and I'm in the middle trying to go forward with both my biceps flexed... it took forever just to get them close enough to take this picture.

 Success!

 She does like watching movies; she's just not terribly fond of my walking style.

Goodbyes

I’m very late with this post, I know, but in my defense, it’s been a hugely busy week. I finished college, came home, and now have started preparing for a future in the Navy. It’s been a week of goodbyes, and as emotionally exhausting as I find starting new things, goodbyes are even more exhausting, so I’ve just begun to recover enough to write this (getting to see many of you in church on Sunday morning certainly helped with that, so thank you!)

The week was a long series of lasts, starting with our Naval Science final exam and Change of Command for ROTC. We discovered during the course of the exam that a lot of the seniors don’t actually remember what the Oath of Office says, so hopefully we’ll be okay on commissioning, but the Change of Command ceremony went well. I received two awards, and the officers presenting the awards (one of whom is actually a tutor in my dorm at Harvard) stuck around afterwards to munch muffins and talk to the graduating seniors.

Later on Wednesday, I had my last class and then my last FUEL of college. The discussion was good, and it was good to see everyone, but as I walked out of the building it finally began to hit me that I might never see those people again. In addition, I realized Wednesday night that I was leaving Friday morning, not Friday afternoon as I’d somehow assumed, and so only had one day left, and that my one day had to be spent packing up my things, never to reassemble them into the room I’d spent so much time in.

After that, there was no stopping it. I waited until I got back to my room to cry, but it was all quite overwhelming. How in the world did I get on the other side of college this fast? Where did the time go? It felt like one of those times where you’re trying to read, but you’re distracted, and you end up skimming every word on a page and then having no recollection of the chapter you just read. I know that, objectively, I’m going on to better things, and that the most important, universal things are the sort of things one can’t lose. All the same, I found myself in tears about the particular little things that couldn’t be gotten back: my particular room, and my particular route home, and my particular bookshelf – that gave birth to so many memories.

Thursday was all about saying goodbye to people; my day revolved around four meetings with some of the closest friends I’ve had here at Harvard, with lots of conversations about what it means to grieve, and whether we’d have to say goodbye to things and stages in a perfect world (and quite a few pastries, too). As it turns out, I’ll see at least one of my friends again; we’ll be rooming together for a week after graduation. Which means it’s finally time to explain my post-graduation plans:

I’m not actually finished with college yet; I still have an essay and a take-home final due in the next week to finish my class. I’ll be in Texas for three weeks, and then I’ll head back to Harvard to graduate and commission in the Navy. At that point, I don’t know when I’ll be back in Texas; I’ll be in Boston for a couple of weeks finalizing paperwork before heading down to my ship, DDG-80 Roosevelt, in Jacksonville. After that it’s back and forth between the ship and Norfolk for training for about six months, and then I’ll be stationed on the ship permanently for my first tour. That’s all I know for now.

I have to admit, I wasn’t nearly as happy about coming home this time as I usually am. It was hard to say so many goodbyes: I miss Harvard, and I’ll never get to come home to it again. But when I arrived back (already rather depressed), I remembered again that this is the last time I’ll be in Texas in who-knows-how-long as well, so I am glad I came back early. It’s a good thing, I know, both to come back and to graduate. But it still hurts. It is what it is.

So in short, I’ve been exhausted both emotionally and physically for the past few days (I wanted to spend as much time in my room as possible before saying goodbye, which meant staying up late, but I also wanted to work out a few last times in the gym where working out changed my life, so I was also getting up really early). I could barely move on Friday; I slept half of Saturday; and today I still took a long nap. But I have work to get done and plans to make moving forward, and a new life to get excited about. So it’s just about time to wake up.

Photos:

Every time I think "I'm ready to leave this cold, rainy place," Cambridge throws in a gorgeous sunny day to make me regret my decision:

 Finally warm enough to pull out my summer clothes!

 And the flowers are here!

 I'm pretty proud of this one:

 You can just imagine the road wandering off into fairyland.

 First time all year I've worn my whites - headed to Change of Command!

 I almost forgot to mention my last days at kickboxing. My coaches (who, if I haven't said this before, were phenomenal) hugged me and wished me well. I'm going to miss this place as much as pretty much any place in Cambridge, outside of my room and the dorm gym.

 Speaking of the dorm gym, here's my last day of working out in the place where I dropped my body fat percentage by over 10% and learned how to bench press:

 One more beautiful shot of Cambridge Common:

 And the place I'll miss most:

 I don't usually think of myself as a hobbit, but I will miss my tea and books.

 And back to the Lone Star State: