Okay, I think we can all agree that I should give up posting
these on time, especially since there’s only one left after this anyway. I’ll post
my final blog for this site (my other blog is here) sometime next week, as
opposed to later this week. But hey, the second-to-last post is finally up!
First, a brief overview of the past week. I just got back to
Harvard earlier today and picked up my cap and gown for graduation on Thursday,
as well as putting my uniform together for commissioning (I’ve never worn dress
whites before). Up until today, the week was pretty calm; I visited a few
friends, went to Seguin High School Junior ROTC’s end-of-year program, and
sang a solo on Sunday morning. It was very strange saying goodbye to my parents
at the airport and then saying “see you tomorrow” when they come up for the
graduation/commissioning.
Honestly, though, today was exhausting, emotionally and
physically (mentally, I’m pretty rested). I didn’t get much sleep, my flight
was delayed, and I’ve been running all day trying to make sure things are ready
for commissioning and graduation, including some things that I didn’t find out
about until today. I’ve had no time to enjoy being a graduate; I’m too busy
worrying about getting everything ready for graduation and beyond. And of
course I’m nervous about what’s next; I don’t like transitions. But the
transition to college looks tame in retrospect, and I suspect this one will,
too, eventually. As long as I keep moving on to bigger and better things, each
transition will always be more challenging than the last, but that’s the way
it’s supposed to be.
In any case, it’s time for an overview of the past four
years, in terms of personal growth this time instead of accomplishments. I
started out freshman year still part adolescent, nervous about living on my own
and very homesick, knowing no one, with next-to-no social life and very strict
study habits. I didn’t always feel it at the time, but I have grown
tremendously since then, and the development has definitely been back-loaded; I
grew more and more as I went on.
Freshman year and the first half of sophomore year are all
kind of one period in my mind, a cold, gray period where I never got enough
sleep and, in my mind, it’s always winter. I started freshman year with a
cappella practice until midnight and ROTC at five-thirty the next morning
multiple times a week, as well as a 9 am calculus class where I was almost
always half-asleep. I made a few casual friends, but most of my time was spent
studying. I did alright; I adjusted. I wasn’t depressed. But it was a rather
bleak time. My study abroad in Jordan was similar; I didn’t make any close
friends, I spent a ton of time studying, and I didn’t know how to do much else
on my own (especially without speaking the language).
Sophomore spring, everything changed. I spent the semester
studying abroad in Israel; I remember crying the first night because I was just
so exhausted (I did that in Jordan, too – and today, actually. I cry a lot when
I’m tired; it helps.) Anyway, Israel was amazing, mainly because of two very
good friends I made while there. They taught me how to have a social life, how
to go out and have fun outside of class, and how to generally slow down and
enjoy life. Combined with tons of holidays and easier classes, and that was
probably the best semester of my college career, followed by unquestionably the
best summer of college spent studying philosophy in Cambridge and touring
Europe. I came back a changed person.
Junior year, then, I finally found my balance. Not only did
I learn how to slow down, get enough sleep, and make friends; I learned how to
build relationships. Social skills have never been my forte, especially with my
own age group, but I learned the value of caring about other people’s feelings,
going out of one’s way to help others, and generally trying to present a more
professional and mature image instead of just doing what I felt like. I was
never consciously mean to other people, but I gained a lot of maturity with the
idea of taking an active interest in the people around me and acting in a
mature way, not according to how I felt at the moment. Junior year was also the
time I started consciously thinking about maturing and seeking to develop my
character and skill set. The summer after that year was also good; I finally
got to spend some time at home.
Senior year has been interesting; all those experiences have
come together and crystallized until I’m more stable in this newfound maturity
and independence. Which is not to say that I act mature all the time, or that
I’m still not pretty nervous about some unknows in the future, but I’m much
better and being uncomfortable and handling unknowns in general. This year, I
added physical development to the emotional and spiritual development already
taking place, and managed to get in the best shape of my life. It’s been a
rocky year emotionally, but I’ve come out stronger for it and ready to face the
future.
And here I stand on the other side of all that, a
(relatively) confident and mature young woman, ready to face the world. I don’t
have it all figured out, but at least I’ve figured out enough to know that no
one else does, either. I’ve learned to take charge of situations and cope with
hard times; I’ve learned how to care about other people and take care of myself.
I’ve figured out who I am and where I’m going – but for that recap, you’ll have
to wait until next week’s grand finale.
PS - I wrote this last night; I feel much better now. It's amazing - you'd think I'd get terribly upset over giant existential problems and world tragedy, but the majority of the time it's mostly about sleep. And food.
Pictures (I promise there will be many more when I actually graduate and commission!)
Selfie with my parents and I:
My parents will be here tonight; it's almost time! Stay tuned!
No comments:
Post a Comment